Well, I survived yesterday. It’s a year since the paperwork came out of Amsterdam. Technically there’s another week before the “official” divorce date arrives but this was the date when the confirmation was sent to The Hague for ratification. Facebook in all it’s joy threw up the life event which I added, but it wasn’t needed. I knew the date all too well.
Heidi headed out for the day so i was left to my own devices. I debated hitting Krazyhouse and The Swan but I find it hard to justify the outlay when I’m staying here officially homeless and needing to somehow fund Amazon when it comes through sometime this month. Job after job application to tide me over have simply had no reply whatsoever. Acknowledged as received but that’s it. More irksome are the two requests, one from Transline, and one from PMP to go out on jobs for them in Wolverhampton, the latter being Amazon Rugeley again. It would’ve been so easy to be working down there. In point of fact I’d’ve started at Rugeley again anyway on the 19th.
So I sat, blasting solitaire, and being reminded of the situation many years ago when I landed at Julia’s after having tried to do the right thing with Jack, and then out of the blue I get a message from Nz from a lass who was going to put me up while I tried to sort the custody out back in February. “Happy Fathers day.” Being so many hours in front it was already Sunday there. Nothing like an added kick in the teeth when you’re already feeling crap. The lass sending the salutation obviously had no clue as to my mood and the gesture was nice, a good intention which just landed at the wrong time due to a time zone.
I switched from cards to tanks. Several hours later and it was 3am. What should’ve been a chance to grab some extra shuteye turned into nothing of the sort. I’m not sure my mind wants the comfort of sleep anymore. There’s a build up : Blame for not listening to the early warnings years ago re: Esther, and blame for trusting a system I’ve known for years always… ALWAYS.. lets me down. When I managed to get out of Holland I patted myself on the back for surviving. It feels like I undid everything I’d accomplished by trusting a system I knew was flawed. Microcosm/macrocosm I can see the Esther scenario reflected.
And so, much like my initial leaving, and my blog post from back then Another A+E closes it turns out that, even though the actual fault wasn’t mine here, there’s still a way that I’m to blame. It shouldn’t have gone this way, because the expectancy of care and honouring the contract of care was there, my instincts told me that neither would be honoured. And much like Esther has carried on and simply dismissed everything and anything about me without so much as a care, so the system will do nothing for the situation I find myself in. And there’s not a damn thing I can do to exact recompense from either.