Anger management.

Spoke to Esther today. Told her that someone from Holland is regularly checking the blog and she replied that she’d not looked since October. Utterly confirming that the woman never actually gave a crap about me. 

I, in all my days, have never felt such hatred for an entity. My pulse races. I want to punch things. I literally shake with anger. I gave nearly 9 years of my life to a succubus. And she, just carries on after me… like she was before me.. and with me. There is not an inch of love or caring for me within her. I was irrelevant except for filling in the gaps both physically and mentally that a cat can’t. 

It’s been 5 months since the divorce was finalised. I should not be this angry after an interaction, but I am. The reason is not all her. It’s the underlining that I allowed myself to believe for so long what I probably knew for years was false. It’s the fallibility of my judgement call. But also, it IS her. I swallowed her words. Her “I love you”s. Pretty lies. I’m almost certain now, that love is something she’s not capable of. And I’m almost certain she knows it too. 

Her intellect is good enough to produce an emulation of what’s expected, and that will fool most people. However, I am not “most people”. And underneath… maybe i really did know… but wanted it enough to ignore it.  

And so I’m left sat here, with my trust in myself again in a mess. Knowing I made such a wrong call… and what it’s cost me… how can I let myself trust again? It’s 8.30pm and I’m on work in the morning. This will doubtless cabbage my sleep again as I’m plagued with thoughts of anger, hatred, and so much loss of time and energy expended on a woman, or an entity posing as a woman, who offered nothing in return and I accepted that as O.K. 

What kind of person does that make me? Have I learnt? Or will I seek out something/one similar? I want to punch something. And underneath it all is the utter injustice that.. she just carries on as she was, as she is, and as she will be.  She’s got away with it, come out scot-free with a shiny house, friends, etc. I doubt she’s even shed a tear. And if she’s to be believed, she simply hasn’t bothered to see if I was surviving. 

How could I have been so stupid as to love this entity, and give my life to it for so many years? So utterly stupid. She must have been laughing at me for nearly a decade, and I hate being laughed at. Because I’m a lot of things… but I’m not stupid. At least, not usually. 

Empirical evidence says otherwise Alistair. Empirical evidence says otherwise. Nearly a decade ffs. Nearly a decade. How the hell can I justify what I believe I am to myself with that as an example of close to a quarter of my life? I don’t have an answer… and I need a shower, tea and sleep.

Overtime calls.. and I can lose myself again for a few hours.  

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