Not forgotten, not forgiven, but dealt with.

Ah, it’s an entertaining world we live in still.

Most people who have followed my blog will of course know all this, but for those that don’t, tis 3 years today since my then fiancée murdered what i thought was my unborn child, only to discover months after that, the reason for the abortion, (one which I had no say in, no input upon, no rights, no inclusion and ultimately all actions up to and including said dead were taken out of my hands), was not as stated “because I just can’t deal with it”, but because, said fiancée already had one child with an undetermined parent issue, and this would be putting her in the same situation. I.E. she’d been sleeping around, only this time there was a variety of people in the frame for fatherhood, rather than just the two for the child who wasn’t killed pre-emptively.

Deborah Draper is her name.

To be fair, this had passed through my mind at the start of the day, but reared it’s head more upon rereading again a few comments on my posts on a different forum regarding why people have affairs, offering the idea that, if I had never been on the wrong end of someone having an affair, I could not understand it, and that, my expressing my opinions as to how this comes about, and subsequently how to deal with it, were “insensitive”.

I had to chuckle.

I think people still haven’t changed, in all these years of civilisation. If they run up against a way of thinking, or an idea which they themselves find incomprehensible, they are prone to rebel against it. It’s the whole “Hang the guy who says the world isn’t flat”, mentality. It’s not the peoples fault that they think this. They’ve been programmed to from day one. Right up until finally someone actually proves the world is spherical. The problem with this analogy is of course :

1: A type of perspective, an approach to life view, if you will, is an individuals choice to make, rather than a provable fact, and

2: No one actually ever really believed the world was flat. We’re just told they did, much like there were never any Christians thrown to the lions in the arena!

What scares me is though, some people, rather than acknowledging that there are always different ways to view a situation, and that they have chosen their individual one, instead refuse to even acknowledge any other way save for their own, and accordingly call people “mad”, or “from another planet”, or indeed “nutjob”.

In this instance, the example is a classic one. A person cheats on you. Irrespective of circumstance. Should you

a: choose to sit for X amount of time bemoaning / bewailing your lot,

b: change your entire view on relationships,

c: leave the person

d: stay with the person forever holding it against them / not trusting them

e: examine why this happened as two adults, explore the idea that this was a mistake, and was no reflection upon feelings for the partner, merely nature overcoming an un-natural monogamy which you thought you could control but failed to.

f: decide the cheater was a prize tool out for all they could get, and move on knowing that your conscience was clear, and that, if you allow that person to have hurt you asides from the initial shock, they will forever have a power over you which YOU are allowing them.

For myself, it’s a simple choice. If it is a mistake, plan e! Examine how much you actually want a relationship with this person, because at the end of the day, if you want someone enough, everything is tolerable / forgiveable / excusable.

If it becomes obvious that the person has planned and executed an affair, go straight to plan f: do pass go, do collect half of everything!

And there is where it appears people have issues. With the dealing with of pain. I read years ago that pain doesn’t decompose, no matter how deep you bury it, and accordingly I thought I needed to come up with a suitable reply for this. Eventually I came up with the fact that, at the end of the day, when we feel pain, it is because we choose to. We give it power. This is something which can be changed, by first acknowledging that fact. Then you can choose how to deal with it, until you reach the understanding that, by giving pain no substance, it doesn’t need to decompose… it’s already dissipated long ago.

Which brings me back to today. 3 years ago i was inconsolable, believing my faithful fiancée was killing our child purely because she could. I am still mightily angry that this was done without any input whatsoever from me, (again it turns out she went to the clinic claiming she was single, removing her engagement ring to complete the ruse), leaving me, if you’ll excuse the obvious error, impotent.

But, the same impotence which leaves a person ineffectual is actually their saviour, because, at the end of the day, you cannot be guilty of not taking responsibility for something you have no control over. Transfer that logic into the affair scenario, and this gives you the power to choose to, instead of feel pain / torture yourself / allow this to affect your life, say “No, I shall not allow this to affect who I am, what I hope for, and my beliefs in life its self”.

A complete reversal of what could be a life of self torture, just through a change of perspective, all stemming from the idea… ney… the fact, that pain is an emotion which can be controlled. But, if that concept is so completely alien, or indeed, never even presented, how can the person ever come to this conclusion?

And so i turn to me. Not long after these events, I deal with the pain decisively, I move on, and then, within the space of a year and a month, place my life in the hands of another woman, move countries for her, even though experience of such a scenario before left me with nothing for nearly 3 years, and now sit here, rather than angry at the injustices from years ago, smiling at that which has come about because of belief in myself and my perspective on life, and the approach it allows me to have.

So when it boils down to it, which view is better of life? One that leaves you vulnerable, with old wounds laying heavy on the daily toil, or one which allows you to not only smile after things seem to conspire against you, but gain strength, knowledge, and courage from it?

If this is madness, I like it!

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