How quickly a year goes.

Time has flown. I’ve lived in Holland a year now, and it doesn’t seem possible. Where’s it gone?

A few things to add, first being I have a fully functioning toe again! The hours wandering the streets of Philadelphia (there’s a song in there somewhere) with the nail so split it could’ve been done with an axe probably didn’t aid the recovery but I think it was more of a case of wait for the nail to grow out on its own. The application of scissors at the start of the month means that, although i still only have half a nail, its not likely to get ripped right off if I sneeze or cough in bed!

So, we went out on the 11th for a meal and drink as a celebration. A full year with no upsets, no arguments, not really a cross word to report. Some people who find me argumentative, awkward etc may well be completely shocked at this, but in truth I think the only time either of us has felt awkward around each other was when our friends rather than ourselves caused us to be slightly embarrassed by their conduct.  Anyway, we wound up at the local Argentinian restaurant where I ate a quite silly amount of meat, and sat enjoying just being with someone who takes the same enjoyment out of just being with me. As years go, it seems a far cry from being basically having no real abode, cleaning toilets for beer money, and being either at Les’s or Julia’s, putting on both of them for a roof etc etc. Ju and Les’s company was always  interesting,  but i was always in a position where I was at their disposal  without really being able to give back much. That’s not an environment I thrive on. In fact it generally makes me feel awkward, which in turn makes me argumentative lol, or at least short tempered! Maybe thats why i’m more (?) convivial here? The feeling of contributing, being able to give as well as receive, equal-ness perhaps? Who knows.

I wonder, if people were honest, how long they’d’ve given E n me if we’d’ve asked them back in May last year? I don’t doubt many from the vip would’ve said tis just a passing thing. Others too perhaps, thinking I was going down the much travelled path of Wiseman, idealising something which wasn’t there. Lord knows the Deb thing doesn’t look good now I look back on it myself. Still, I guess i can’t be accused of not giving all I had, even then lol. Tis funny, for someone who has proclaimed for years he doesn’t "need" anyone, i certainly seemed to want someone mightily then! lol Choices I suppose. I wanted someone to see me for me, what I am, and actually now I think she tricked me almost as much as I tricked myself into thinking she did. But in the end, the idea of compromising myself for her was always going to end with a goodbye. The lessons from Stalks of last Years Fruit ringing in my ears, I started again. I think the first visit over to holland and Esther for xmas was almost exploratory. The option after I came back to the uk to say "so long and thanks for all the fish fun" was commented on this blog before. After the second visit, the reality that, if the two of us wanted to actually make a go of "Us", we could, seemed to certainly slap me about a bit. But still, as i left Julia at 2 in the morning on the Wolverhampton bus stop, it took courage for me to say "Yes… this is what i’ve decided I want", in light of some of my last romantic decisions. I don’t doubt it was quite some decision for Esther too, not least because she knew that again, i was putting all I had on the line. Tis a lot of responsibility for someone’s hands to bear. It took courage too, to walk away from all i’d known for the last 4 years, the security of having someone like Julia about who would and had looked out for me, and on a bigger scale, the culture that I was so familiar with, and indeed had been a part of for quite some time. My experience with heading out to Glenda’s in oz was not something i wanted repeating. What it came down to was trust. Trust in myself that I was doing the right thing, trust in Esther that she was also doing what was right for her, and trust in Us, the us that we had forged. Perhaps I should use a different word, forged implies fraudulent lol.

And now, a year on, we’re married. We went to the zoo a couple of days ago, drove over 300k I think, may even have been closer to 400, and as we’re heading home Esther turns tome and says she could wish for nothing more than what we have. To know that, and know that we are responsible for each others happiness, is all the proof we need that we did the right thing by taking the chance and saying, "Ok, lets go for it". Responsible for that which you tame? You might be right lol.

Asides from that, I was approached by a guy to sort his computer out, which I duly did. Was good to be useful again like that. We had a few beers, and a good waffle, then I headed home, where E n me wound up on the balcony, watching the sun sink and enjoying the night air. Very Alan and Denny from Boston Legal esq lol We must’ve sat there for a few hours, chatting about this n that and generally just enjoying being. It was a perfect example of how we’ve been over the year. And as the metaphorical sun came down as we sat in the restaurant, we said  "Here’s to many more years to come". I echo the words here, and the sentiment is apparent on a daily basis.

To us. Slainte Mahth
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