Well.. this week so far has been non productive. Am awaiting trainers, and still awaiting money from 4 weeks back, and niether have come through. Both i’m mightilly pissed about, and beginning to wonder if perhaps i might have been a victim of something.

Was hoping to have had a go at Wolves housing people, but have not been able to get there. Was hoping to have gone to Shrewsbury about a job forwarded to me… but cant afford it due to money owed to me.

Sis has her leaving date confirmed as Nov 13th. Thats leaving me with umm 3 weeks. Jacks birthday cometh, and even if i had an address to send to, i have no money anyway.

I’m tired. My energies aint replenishing. No gifford for revitalisation. A couple of people around me are trying to offer support, but the practicalities are somewhat different. What it boils down to is that legally i wont have an address again in 3 weeks time, and half of my progress is gone.

It smarts. 4 years down the line i’ve had 10 days with Jack. Since i went over there to try and be dad, i’ve had what… 7 months in 4 years where i’ve not been officially homeless. Seems i do what i think is right and wind up being the one who misses out on stuff. I went to try and get him a birthday card a couple of weeks back, and realised i had no idea what to get him. He’s had nothing before. Do i get one with Son on it, or with 4, just one with happy bday? In the end i just left it. And then i felt guilty for taking the easy way out.

I cant even be angry at anyone at the mo. (with the exception of the money owed). Well, aside from me! For the set of circumstances which I allowed myself to be in, to be here. Funny. I stumbled across a picture of mother while here in Wolves, and cant even muster the energy to be angry at her. Well.. not to manifest it anyway. I need that energy. I suppose i should convert it into “Fuck You.. i will survive”, but instead, im trying to drop the “fuck you” part. I still think the money (having heard that sis had sorted air fare this now amounts to well over £2000) she caused me to lose would have made one hell of a difference to my being in oz with J n Glenda, but thats gone now. Unfortunatly, everything since then is the direct result of it.

Ah why should i say unfortunately? lol. Mother knew what she was doing. Why should i make excuses? Its getting a bit of a habbit, always searching for a reason not to be angry or cross at people, and in actual fact becoming a soft touch with it. God knows i can be a hard faced sod when it really comes down to it. Its well within me. So why should I make excuses, just cos this woman’s my mother?

I sat the other day, trying to remember individual things about the direct members of my family, which stuck with me from childhood. These are what i came up with.

Dad : Beatings… for climbing over a gate, and for.. get this.. not tying my shoelaces properly. I remember snapping the cane above the coat hooks, forgetting it was one of many used to help grow beans out back! In fairness, dad worked nights mostly so i never saw him for years.

Mum : Accusation of having stolen money from her purse, after i’d been hit by a car aged 9ish (me.. not the car), cos i was supposedly out of school to buy sweets.. when in fact i’d called for Ian Woolstancroft, a mate, who lived by the school.

Andrew : Walking the dog Tess. We’d go together regularly, then one day, i’d seen an episode of the Incredible Hulk, and it was continued on this day so i wanted to watch it, and he wasnt happy. He walked the dog alone, then went upstairs and wrote a poem about me not going with him. We hardly communicated after that, thru until this day, aside from a visit to his when i was 16ish and he couldnt handle the fact that i didnt like certain foods

Hamish : As a kid, i have no recollection of Hamish at all. Nothing. I dont remember him being home.

Su : Hmmm.. Suppose the main things with Su were watching Tony and then Roy abuse her, and being too young to do anything about it. Then theres the bobing round the house on the way to school, but that was a lil later on in life. I vaguely remember mother telling me i couldnt speak to her.

Iain : Three things jump out, one was playing tennis with him, two was stories of sleepy bear who always went on adventures but fell asleep at vital times and three was.. when he moved to Walthall Street, he had no music, so i gave him the tape deck i had, leaving myself without one. Chuckles.. i was 9/10! Actually.. no, i suppose, cos he was there just a lil later than the othes theres a couple more things i remember. One was a dream he told me about.. where he was asleep, and these elves type creatures were at the side of his bed.. putting things in his ear, and one of them was so painful, it woke him, and they were still there! The creature smirked n said I’ll be back (probably in best Arnie voice), and was gone. Another, was me waking him while i was sleepwalking.. and scaring the crap outta him pmpl!

Anne : I include Anne simply cos she was about when i was a kid, although never lived with us. I remember her kids moaning about mother smoking, saying smokers cough when it was me, not mother who’d coughed, and me subsequently flattening Micheal for it, and another incident later on, where Anne aske which would be better, a pc or a Commadore Amiga for her kids.. i advised her, and she bought both, cos she could.

Not really a great selection. I wonder what Jack will remember. Im caught with the idea that it might be better for him to have a dad who’s consistantly not been there, than a dad who does send bday cards etc, which would im sure as he grew up, be a source of consternation.

And so i sit here. Ju came by and hugged me n went off to bed, and so alone im left with essence of kitten poo. Im not feeling sorry for myself. Just tired. I spent the eve chatting to someone who’s having it really rough, and find myself feeling closer to her, someone who i’ve never actually met in all the years i’ve known her, than what is practical lol. In an online capacity, shes far more than the normal “text on the screen”, but as a person, shes become a valued friend who i’ve such a strong bond with, its like shes next to me when in need to lean a little on her.

I guess these things are sent to try us. Well.. if this is only the trial, i hope i aint guilty, cos the punishments gotta be one hell of a scary thing.

I keep seeing my heron. I think its trying to tell me its all going to be ok. If only i believed in stuff like that. I feel fragile at the mo. I’m actually gaining strength from someone who’s gaining strength from me… reciprical i believe is the word. I hope so anyway. I certainly hope she knows it. If she’s anything like me, she’ll get a kick out of feeling like shes helping. We could form quite a self perpetuating circle. A triangle and a circle? lol. Gotta be occult! What would my mother think!

Im waffling. I should go! Erasure playing Blue Savannah in the background.. lol.. not a song people would associate with me. I should switch to Prong or something!

Hums.. Everyone at Zanusi…etc etc.. for the driers of today…

It does say that! Honest! It does!!


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