Grrr.. the trainers i wanted have gone. Im not amused!
Lots of things i’d like to be happening at the moment dont seem to be. My spirit has taken a bit of a kicking! My energies which had been boosted from Papa Roach have been sapped again. The Deb confrontation is no doubt part of this, but more is the fact that yet again i could see myself technically homeless in the next few weeks and thats not a position i want to be in again!
My stuff is now supposedly outside at Debs. So.. books and clothes will be all cabbaged! Not amused. Seems she still wants to mess with my life, when i’ve done my best to at least give her time to sort her head out. Our child was due about now. It smarts! I say again, i dont miss her. Since leaving i’ve met others who have a far greater claim to my heart than that which i thought she was, simply because i was mistaken about exactly who she was! What smarts is still what was done to the child.
Tis nearing Jacks 4th birthday…. that smarts too. Still not in a position to do anything. Hell i dont even have an address anyway. I went over this again with someone t’other day, how tis easier for him to have never known me be there, rather than have had me there n then i’d left! You cant miss what you’ve never had.
I wonder what sort of Dad i’d make. I look at my own, all the things even now he’s gone which still stick in my head. Would I have been like that? I only ever think of him in stupid situations. most of them negative. A song, an expression. I have no good memories of my dad as a child. I wonder if it would be better to have no memories at all.
Im existing again. Thats about it. I cant take pride in my appearence. Cabbaged trainers. No socks as they mysteriously get eaten by the sock monster. Clothes which havent been new for a long time, and only get properly clean when i cart them over to my sisters. No ironing board anyway so no matter what, i’m limited even more by what i can wear from having been washed. When i went down to Reading i felt so shitty. Meeting a woman with own place, cool kids, good business going etc, and theres me, broke, in boots cos trainers were an embaressment, and generally so far apart from her world that i was amazed she didn’t suspect i was a visitor from the planet Zarg! I felt crap about myself. Thats not a feeling I enjoy, and no doubt contributed to my early departure.
Somethings got to give in the next few weeks. The question is… whats it gonna be.