Wolves

Well.. its been a weekend and a half!

While i was with Deb… new years eve (well.. 6am new years day) we were stumbling back from the gifford along the wolves canal, and came across a heron. It looked at us, not scared, but knowingly, with a cognition which probably outdid the pair of us.

The day i left Debs… i walked along the same canal, and the heron was there. It looked at me again… probably not the same bird i know, but its eyes…

And back to this weekend. Friday.. a bank card with my name on it arrives. The first time since 99 i’ve had such a thing. I exist again. Im back in the system. This means i dont have to use someone elses account. It means agencies are approachable again, and i dont have to know people there before i can get work! It opens up so much.

So i go out… the band… open with Thin Lizzy… Then Judas Priest… Then.. and if you know me you know the significance… Deep Purple.. Child in Time. I had a great evening, went "home" happy, and feeling alive.. very very alive.

I awaken to a text from Glenda.. Jack will be calling you in 2 mins!! Now reception where i am is grim, so i dressed and dived outside and wandered over to the local pool so i can sit and talk. 10 mins of conversation but i understood very little. Jacks accent is very obviously ozzy, and his speach is known to be poor but it was great to hear the word "daddy" coming down the phone..

And so i look up. Theres a heron on the pool. Looking squarely at me. So I decide. Its time to face my daemons. I used to love the Gifford. The people in there were, they were like my family almost. I was there before Deb and I became a couple. The music is what i went for, what i got was so much more. I have to go back. Why should i allow her to dictate, merely by her presence, where i can go? She’s taken enough from me, and i’ve been away from her for 4 months, its time.

I get to wolves early, hit the giff in the afternoon, several of my mates are in. I’m made welcome. So much so that im told i must come back in the eve.. stuff what anyone says. Ju comes to me… and she says yeah.. why not.

And so, we go. I am polite. I notice her eyes. I know her. This is the first time since the abortion she’s seen me. The first time ever with short hair. I look relaxed, different, slimmer, healthy, nothing like the bearded blubbering mess i was. She’s different too. Shes put on wieght. But her eyes, where they used to shine, now all i could see were repressed tears. The double take when she first saw me there. And yeah, it hurt me too. Hurt like hell. But it hurt for what might have been. What could have been. What i thought she was, isnt what she turned out to be. And so it didnt hurt that we were not together.

I guess i needed some form of closure. I got it in the fact that I was accepted back into the Giff, i didn’t crack up, held my tongue and my temper, and was actually able to relax. I’d be lying if i said i was sad to see Debs eyes the way they were. Till the end of my days i’ll never forgive her. But to be frank, i went there for me. And i’ve come back feeling like i dont have the shadow hanging over me.

So now what…? I dont know. But this much i do know.. I feel…. well yeah.. I do… I feel again. And its good. I do exist, in the system, in the life of that little boy all those miles away, and more besides.

Im smiling as i type this. Some people who will read this will have no concept of why. Some will just be glad to see progress in a loop i’ve been caught in for so long, and others still, who saw me go through these last few months personally… well i think they’ll smile too. I feel strong. 2 nights of music, some support from someone who genuinely does want the best for me, one version of Child in Time, and a warm welcome home in the Giff, along with a card with my name on it…. and suddenly… i can feel a Chesney moment coming on…lol