Sat here waiting and wondering what exactly will happen today. If i get the job, then i guess im sorted, at least for a while. If i dont, well then i’ve no idea.
Phil had a big old bbq last night, and after a while i was invited down to join in. Was a pleasant gesture but i really had no particular want to go and sit with them. None of them have any concept as to how my life is, wondering day to day if I will have a roof, or food etc. I vanished after a whopping 15mins.
Tis funny, theres a few friends i have, scattered through the ether, and i read their blogs and see whats happening in their world. They all have jobs, they all earn decent wages, or they have kids and have a roof provided because of their duties as a ful time parent, yet they bewail their lot, their problems seeming to them like the end of the world is nigh. They have no clue. And yet they still find time to bitch about others, as if somehow placing others lower than themselves elevates their self esteem enough to be able to cope with their own trials and tribulations. I have nothing, yet i still dont need to justify me. I am content with the person i am. I dont judge others for their actions, but i cannot help thinking im better off in my own situation, than they are with all they have, living in a perpetual state of needing vindication to exist. To have to apply their own way of thinking onto others actions, to draw a conclusion which suits them, so as to again vidicate their responses. It baffles me.
I had a call from Steve last week.. inviting me to his stag do. The first contact I’ve had from him in a year, near as damn. That made me chuckle. Convienient again i guess. Steve, Stu, Anthony etc… all have cars, none have bothered to travel to see me in either Wolves or Telford. Yet how many times have i been up to Crewe? Over 3 years… often having to borrow to get up there, to go see solicitors yet still taking time out, for the sake of friendship, or such things as a funeral. I dont judge them for this, merely i look at myself, know I’ve done what I could when I could, and occassionally admonish myself for having expended that energy.
I read something the other day about friendship… i forget where. It said how a friend wont just sit back if they think your doing something wrong, they will tell you, so as to make you aware. They wont allow you to just let yourself go, when there is the opportunity to better yourself etc. Friends dont MAKE you feel special, they help you realise yourself your special. I guess thats why i dont particularly need friends, i already know im special. Its not arrogance, its not overconfidence, its comfort in the knowledge that I am the best i can be everyday, and if that means I tell someone who needs to be told they’re being stupid, that they’re being stupid.. so be it, or if they look beautiful and need to hear it said.. again, so be it. If they can’t handle that.. thats not my problem.
There have been few people in my life that have been special to me. It seems a running theme with almost all is some form of self abuse, be it eating disorders, allowing themselves to be in abusive relationships, physical self harm.. etc etc. All of this derives form lack of self worth / self esteem, the cause being all manner of things. But if that lack of self worth can be replaced with a realisation that they are someone special can be achieved, then they can conquer it! But thats up to the individual. I’ve watched, as one form of abuse turns into another. Tis difficult to say.. Hey look, all you’ve done is replaced it with a parallel. All they do is reject it. Then superimpose their reasons onto why you should be doing such things. Over the last 7 weeks i’ve seen it so many times, people not realising that the ones who are looking out for them are the ones who are telling it straight, and being subsequently punished for it. I’m glad i’m on the outside looking in.
And so i still sit and wait, wondering what will happen with this job. Aside from my sister I had 2 unprompted enquiries as to how the interview went, and 2 enquiries as to how saturday nights work went, one of which was from a lass who i’ve never met. lol. Combine that with the bbq last night and how i felt so completely out of place, and you get this blog entry. Not bad from the 200+ hits on the blog for the last week i suppose.
If i sound angry at all this.. im not. Its just…its frustrating! There are people out there I wish I could go up to n shake… look them in the eye and say sort yourself out. Count blessings rather than look at the grief thats going on. And there are people who should know better. Sitting in their comfy home spouting crap so as to convince themselves its ok to bite their nose to spite their face. I’d gladly swop places with anyone on my contact list, but i’d not wish my world on anyone. Mind.. i’d have more fun in the shower if .. no no no!! Bad Ali!