Ali’s Imploded World

Well, I suppose i should really be used to it. Saturday night was brilliant. Work was dead, so got to shoot off early and hit the haygate. Knowing i had sunday and mondays shifts to come i allowed myself the luxury of being off the leash a little, and had a few pints. A few people from the Gifford were in, first in the pub and then in the haygate, so suddenly i was amongst people who i actually knew. I felt good. I think it showed.

The music helped… old and new… SOAD to UFO, and an old guy with an ACDC top at the decks who somehow managed to incoporate Crash Test Dummies. I was genuinely pleased to be there.

Some way through the eve i collared a lass who i’ve only ever kind of spoken to in passing, possibly even admired from a distance, and we sat n chatted in a way i’ve not done with someone for a long time. There was a passion for music and an enthusiasm to her as a whole, which brought out the same in me and again i think it showed. It felt good. I left with a sense that, i’d encountered someone i genuinely wanted to be around, rather than someone superficial. I smiled all the way home.

Curiously i had a text while sleeping which was also both funny and a little perturbing.. as it was complimentry but from a number i dont know. I know who i’d like it to be from…. but at that time i dont think they had my number!

So i got up in a good mood. Promptly forgot the name of the pub i was going to try and find to watch the football in, but thought it would come to me while at work.. i knew roughly where it was. Got to the train station and there were no trains running.. so ended up having to get a bus. Started as per normal at 12 and the Landlord was floating about, and i asked him casually if there was anything new happening…  or any news.. to-whit he replied "actually yes…i’m really sorry, this is going to have to be your last shift here.. there honestly isnt enough trade at the moment to merit two people here for the Sat n Sunday, and its a case of last in first out… its nothing to do with your work at all, tis simply economics".

Which was nice.

In fairness, i totally agree. The trade doesnt merit there being two of us on a friday / saturday. I’m more than a little agrieved though that i had no notice. Now i have no way to pay the rent, which in turn means i will be out of a place to live in a week or so unless something throws itself at me. I spent on friday n saturday what i never would have done were they to have warned me before.

So what happens now? Another suitcase in another hall? Where am i going to? Dont ask anymore! Hmm! Well, I have an interview at another pub on Thursday, and me being me I do tend to do well at interviews. I remember Tracey years ago saying that i knew how to sell myself. This one looks like it might have to be something special though. Again, credit where its due, the landlord called them straight up and said i was good at what i do, was simply for economic reasons i was "being let go", and that if they needed any more information about me they would gladly give it to them. I cant fault him there.

So, all my plans for this week, and onwards, gone. I dont know if i’ll have a roof, let alone anything else. There was someone I was hoping to go out with for an evening, if things went as i’d hoped. Now i cant even say if i’ll see them again, cos i’ve no idea whats going to happen.

Last night seems more than 18-20 hours ago, and the light which was in my eyes has been well and truely doused. I’ve the house to myself for the next 2 days. I need to wind myself up with my music. I’m not angry at the pub where i worked, but i am angry that yet again (albeit this time bloody quickly) life gave me a boost, showed me how it should be, and then kicked me squarely in my balls, to remind me how it really is.

I’m tired. Tired of fighting. But im not beaten yet. I emailed someone t’other day. Someone who could well, if life doesnt get in the way, become special to me. T’was cos she sounded low, and i wanted to show her that things are rarely as shitty as they seem. I still stand by that. But i could kill for her to hug me and tell me it’ll be ok. If she followed it up with a kiss i might even be convinced lol.

And i come home, and Scrubs is on. The last episode of series one. And Colin Hay’s Beautiful world greets me… "Perhaps this is as good as it gets"…? And i crack, and head upstairs, turn the computer on, sling the full song on, and follow it with Systems of a Downs "Sugar", simply for the ending.

Then i type this. All the time switching songs, feeling my brain processing all which i type. Wondering what others will make of it. I rattled off a list of things in the afore mentioned email to a friend about why i’m proud to be me, no matter what life throws at me, and one of those was that i’m still sane after all i’ve been through. I still am. Theres been times when i’ve known i’ve come close to going over the edge. This isn’t one of them. Simply because i can understand the reasonings behind my no longer working at the Lion, makes it easier to accept! But, how i survive from now on….? Thats something which remains to be seen. I’m stable. My world isn’t. I suppose i should be pleased at least that its that way round.


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