Its a funny world. I’ve spent a chunk of the eve chatting with someone who has no real reason to give me her time and yet she still does.
I’m a little tired. A little annoyed. A little ummm well frankly not arsed about the world. I’ve been awake too many hours to care at the mo. Glenda dropped an idea on me fathers day thats still floating around my head.
I take that back. I’m a lot tired. Sonya called me yesterday from wolves. We chatted for ages about stuff. She’s cool. She wants an eve out but honestly i cannot afford it! Im sick of having to scrimp n scrape so i eat through the week. Sick of having people question my motives on life. Sick of doing the right thing by me and then being left short because of it! She was a good friend before and through whats gone on with Deb. She appears to be attempting to maintain that friendship. Thats a good thing.
I turned down a live in job in a pub because of racist bigots even though it would have solved all my current financial problems. I think i did the right thing. No. I know i did. Yet it leaves me still in a situation which is just crazy in monitary terms. I’ve always been one to stand up and be counted, but how many times will it be before the ONE which i obviously am becomes a wanted, needed one, rather than a ONE which basically has no consequence because theres always another who’s ready to accept that which i am not.
I look at my life. Since my attempted move to oz, and subsequent return from oz, i have existed only in the lives of those which i actually interact with, rather than any form of big picture. I have actually served no purpose. I’ve taken up space in other peoples lives, and none in the lives which i’ve wanted to, like Jacks. I’ve been a drain on their resources, having no way to recipricate whats given. Yes, i became a person in the Giff that was well know, but i dont doubt my absence was soon forgotten. One face in many. Interchangable in a community where the music was the glue, and the people merly the things being stuck.
When i told my sister why i had not continued with the live in job, she said "good on you, i’m proud to call you my brother". Thats the first time someone’s ever said they were proud of me. Which is crazy really. Cos all these years i’ve stuck by my principles, always done what i thought was right. Ignored the lies and bullshite put out about me by my mother, my family, and others who have claimed to be my friends. And its cost me. But i look in the mirror and the only person who i need to be proud of me is me! I’m not proud of the situation i’m in. But i know that no matter what, I’ve always done what i’ve felt was the right thing to do, and its that which has lead me to where i am now.
So, in fairness, i’ve never wanted anyone to be proud of me. But it was nice to be told. To be recognised. This is who i am! Goo Goo Dolls… Iris : i just want you to know who i am! Chance would be a fine thing. People dont know me. They see me and from that concoct a profile based on bias and prejudice due to appearence.
So why am i writting this? So that the reader might wake up and stop creating their own versions of people and infact see whats there! It wont happen. I know. But now my conscience is clear. I’ve done and said what i need to say.
Its 00.39am and im listening to Linkin Park.. In the end. Every time i cross the road bridge to telford station i look down and wonder would it be easier just to jump. But then i look at me. I look at what i am. I’m not ashamed of me. I love who i am. Im proud of my strength of character. Im proud that, when i was on the edge i let rip on the phone to my sis, rather than getting on a train and slaughtering Deb the same way she killed our child. A coward would have just found a truck travelling at speed, and introduced himself to it! Thats not who i am. A bastard would have thought an eye for an eye, and lord knows what would have happened. Thats not who I am. Those were life choices. I’m proud of myself for knowing right from wrong. Knowing that it was ok to offload on my sis. Not ok, but safe.
I’ll never jump. I’ve looked into the abyss, and the abyss has looked into me. Im pretty certain that the abyss backed off a bit… and is now cautiously eyeing me hoping that i dont get too close again. See, im nails! Harder than a hard thing. I can be touched by certain things which are positive, but nothing which is negative. Thats my choice. I cried in the Giff on xmas eve/day when i got a call saying Merry christmas Daddy from oz. I was safe. I never batted an eyelid when i got the call saying dad died. Nor when i saw him burried, and threw my piece of earth on the ground and shook the ministers hand, just under a year ago.
I think Debs changed me now though. I gave myself to her. Pretty much absolutely. Yes i was suspicious about the ex, thats obviousy documented here, but i believed that she would see me for who i was and love me for it. Naive i suppose. But for a while.. i truely believe she did. When that child was concieved i believe that she loved me. But, as again i’ve written about at great length, she decided that this was no longer what she wanted. so ceased it. Terminated i suppose is a better choice of words. My faith and trust were what suffered then. I believed her, when she said this was what she wanted. Maybe it was, for a while. People change. Their wants change. I misjudged her i suppose. Misjudged her capacity to know what she really wanted. But this has changed me because i can only think i must have wanted this so badly that i didnt see what was there, until it was too late.
So now i sit here, Bat out of hell now playing, and wonder whats next. I really wish i knew. I miss being able to curl up with someone at night. To lay watching CSI with my head on a lap at 9pm with a glass of wine ready to be drunk. I dont need it. But i miss it. And here in telford, where the world and his wife bitch about the wife and her world, i just dont see it altering. I’m alone. And for the first time in my life.. i feel it.