Well.. its a weird world. First i have a good waffle to Countess Bartelli on msn while it buckets down with rain. I then procede to catch a bus to work rather than the train as it was wetter than a fishes wet bits outside still, and promptly forget my keys! I didnt fancy the half hour walk to the train in that!! So… I arrive in Wellygog only to bump into the afore-mentioned kendo master on my way from bus station to pub! Had i have come on the train this wouldnt have happened. Spend an enjoyable hourish plodding about the town chatting and saving money, as i would have spent it waiting for my shift to start normally.
Then.. had a good long chat with Jo about stuff past n stuff present, think she needed the ear. She scares me a little as she reminds me of me too much. She has large amounts of courage and just sometimes needs to be reminded that its ok to lean on your mates, especially when they offer it. Was glad i was there. Everyone has their daemons, some more than others, but sometimes empathy kinda outweighs sympathy purely for the fact that you know someone else has been there and come out the other side. Seems i wasnt where i was expecting to be yesterday, but i was where i was best to be.
The long and short was that i got home feeling a little drained, and slightly Speckled Hen’d, and was debating heading back out again. Through a curious set of texts this did not happen, so was at home when my sis rang telling me she wasnt feeling at all good and if needed would i be ok to bob round later!
My life is one set of curiousities after another. I think i must have chosen the road less travelled not realising that no-one else has taken this route, simply because of the complete lack of road signs, hidden hazzards, avalanches, and the occassional cowblocking the way!
On a different note, i was ummm… subjected to…. James Blunt, and then was stupid enough to read the words to the song Goodbye My Lover! I think the word "Ouch" seems reasonable…
"I am a dreamer but when I wake, You can’t break my spirit – it’s my dreams you take. And as you move on, remember me, Remember us and all we used to be, I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile. I’ve watched you sleeping for a while. I’d be the father of your child…… Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me…… I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow. I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow".
Some things still hit home. Its not her i miss. I’ve found out since that she is not what i thought. I guess i miss what might have been, and am angry at myself for giving my all, for attempting to create an actuality of a dream, based on trust and what i thought was a commitment. Some would say that I did nothing wrong to believe in such things, others that i was stupid to have even considered it at all! All i know is i’ve been left to pick up my pieces, an entity has died, and were i to have been a touch more cynical none of this would have come about. Hollow is about right. There’s a void. Again i guess its not her, so can only be the child and the idea that i might be a part of a working family again for the first time in God knows when.
Looking back, i suppose i should have learnt from my past. I threw a decent job away where i was happy, to go over to Oz and start with Glenda and Jack as a family. Admittedly the differences in circumstances are great, but the money i would have been paid for overtime due (which i lost because of mother) + normal monthly wage would have been considerable, and more than enough to have funded me a deposit for a flat. Same goes here with my compensation money. Instead it funded 4 months of Deb Tom n Me and in truth the only tangible thing i have from it is my phone, which still hasnt had its guarantee sent to me from Deb. I guess i did what i thought was right both times. Perhaps the lesson there is not to err… suck it and c, umm i mean, see, and instead just not taste anything at all! But, thinking like that would kill me. I read one that the worse kind of pain is when you are in a room full of people and yet feel so alone. I’ve felt that, and its true. Abject emptyness, where the world slides out of view and your left with a sense of falling… falling… until you convince yourself you ARE falling. Its psychosomatic. Which in turn means the only person who can catch you is you. If your fortunate your friends become your net, which is what i hope will be the case for Jo, and make you realise the net is there. The problem comes when you dont want to be caught.
Its that road again. Less travelled or not, if i’ve put the signs up myself i really should be able to read them. But, when it all comes down to it, i know if a lass comes along and, to paraphrase Dire Straites – Romeo and Juliet, says "Al… you and me babe, how about it", apart from trying to garrotte them for calling me "babe" (Oink!!!!) i’d probably say "Yeah…! Lets Dooo-ooooo it!" (name the Black Adder episode for 10 points!), which might perturb them somewhat but hey, if you can get past Dangermouse as a ring tone then i’m sure you can bypass random comedy quotes!
All this puts me in mind of the poem i wrote years ago called Love… which can be found HERE
Ok, I’m rambling. I need my music! An hour of Haygate on friday/saturday isn’t enough of an outlet. 800+ mp3s n no player n cant access em anyway at the mo, lord knows how many tapes n vinyl n cd’s at Mess’s and all i have here is one Linkin Park album and 5 or 6 surreptitiously downloaded tracks on Phil’s pc. Not quite sure he’d like Let the bodies hit the floor, or The Roof is on Fire, straight after Ibiza anthems!!