Monologue

Well… still
no money! Should have been sent from solicitors yesterday! Presumably
it will arrive tomoz but that means tis not available for the weekend!
Suppose it stops the crazy notion of attempting to get a ticket for the
Usa v Scotland game lol




Sleep pattern
is cabbaged! Even managed to snooze for an hour on the sofa. Think im
psyching myself up for the next couple of months of upheaval. If it all
goes tits up, what happens then? No cheque on the distant horizon then.
Tis scary. Wasn/t that long ago i was looking for a bend in the road,
now rather than a bend i could use a map n directions! Everything is
dependant on a bank account and and address. Logically the address has
to come first, and i can fund that even were i not to work, as i could
claim benifits, though thats not the road i want to go down, at least
its a fall back.




Tis funny..
remember seeing Jason living in a place on Timbrel Ave after his lass
vanished. He had a tv n playstation, n a bed downstairs, in a 3 bed
house, n that was about it! Initially i guess im gonna be something
similar. Sat thinking about what i need really. A bed, which Shell has
for me in the shape of a futon, (coincidentally i have my old judo
belts down here now lol..ahem), and i want a pc with a net connection,
although i could get by with a decent mobile gprs tarriff for a while,
a fridge, and some crockery. Private renting would appear to be the
only option available, and even a bedsit would at least give me bills
for the bank to accept, although as far as im aware council tax doesnt
apply. Anything else, i dont actually need. Suppose furniture wise a
sofa would be an idea but the futon would do to start with. If i try
for a council place i dont want to be moving much. Is that thinking too
far ahead? I dont know. Suppose i can look back at this in a couple of
months n comment.. yey or nay!




Think really,
the only thing i need to keep me sane is my music. A pc with decent
speakers would sort that, and having so many mp3s would keep me going
for a while, untill i got a replacement for mothers handywork. Wonder
how much of my vinyl still exists. Id hope that, when the futon makes
the trip, maybe my books might too. Again something to kill time when
home alone. In Bright Street i was never really home alone, but here
who do i know? I was always out. Suppose work will sort out a few
mates, n if its not too far from here theres always the Shed n
Lewisham. Money = social life, and legitimately being able to work n
play from my own cash means things which I’d class as an un-necessary
expenditure become more viable.




I want to
drive. I know that an intensive course, a cheapo capri, and all the tax
insurance would likely cost about a grand. Could i afford it? I dont
know. I suppose i could afford to pass the test, assuming i am able to
pass such a thing! Then driving work would be available too. I can
drive as in i can get from a: to b: but i suspect i am both very rusty
and a little erratic! It’d cost less to do weekly lessons, but im
impatient!




2006 looms. I’d
like somewhere along the lines to at least have some physical
interaction with Jack, althought i dont know if that would help him or
me re my not being there full time. Its a conundrum! I still have a
black belt to attain, something i’ve always said i’ll get. The various
horizons seems closer, but still unreachable, but for different
reasons. But, as i’ve just said to Ju, at least this time, if i do
fail, i can genuinely blame no-one but myself. The thing is though, tis
difficult to know if your victorious when your not actually definate as
to what it is your after! I dont have a definitive aim, so i guess its
gonna be a step by step process, and with each bit of progress, i can
begin to ascertain where im going.




I’d spellcheck this, but i just dont wanna know!! lmao
 

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