Fun Filled Funeral Festivities

Ok… Anyone wishing to find out information as to when my fathers
funeral is, they will have to look elsewhere. Turns out that the date
given to me is not the correct one. Thats two dates i’ve had, and two
dates which are now wrong, so please disregard anything re my old post
saying it is thursday.

How crazy is this. The guy has been dead since wednesday night, now its
looking like he’ll be burried next week. The phrase "Blithering Idiots"
springs to mind, and saunters around looking for something to connect
with. If it connected with whoever’s in charge of the actual
arangements (not that i’d know, of course, be silly for someone to have
mentioned that), the church, and the funeral directors, i’d be
impressed, as it would then be the only thing which would have managed
to be conveyed to all parties without confusion!

Seems Su’s getting into a pickle over it all. Loads of stuff from past
is flying around, again stuff which i have been aware of  for many
years, which isnt for here, combined with the fact that no-ones really
communicating with her either, makes for a lass likely to go pop. From
a personal point of view, i’d not blame her either. But, people being
people, only hear what they want to hear, and at the moment they aint
listening to what Su’s got to say at all. It might actually be nice for
her if someone bothered to ask her what she has to say, rather than her
have to go pop for her to get heard, but then i guess that would
indicate that the asker would be then prepared to listen. I know shes
angry, I know she’s hurting, but i’m in no position to do anything
about it. Unfortunatly, this means she festers, and its doing her no
good. Its to the point now where somethings gotta give.

My stand is simple. There is no point in allowing things to upset you.
There’s a time, and a place for every wrong to be righted. When it
presents its-self, take it. Untill then, dont forget, dont forgive, but
most importantly, dont suffer mentally for someone elses wrong doing.
Utilise the anger, and turn it into strength. No-one asks me either
what i have to say in this same circle of people. Do I care? No. But do
I use the way these people behave to educate me in how to deal with
them should the need arise. You betcha!

I sat and talked to a lass once, who’d been through hell when she was
younger. I said the same then. The problem is, being true to yourself.
She’s become incredibly strong through her own generated love of the
person she is and in turn it reflects in the person she is now. I
admire her for it. As long as you know that your not to blame for whats
gone on, then your ok.

But, with any mental trauma, the mind searches for a person to blame,
and more often than not attempts to make you that person. Then the
overwhelming feeling of guilt, (combined with the then generated lack
of self esteem), takes over, and you spiral downwards. Suddenly, in
your mind, its all your fault. And then you search for reasons to
justify how its not your fault. And people wont hear you. And so it
remains, as long as people wont listen, in your mind, your fault, no
matter how much you protest that its not, and the original knowledge of
the truth of things is sumsumed, and subsequently dissolved. Then your
left with the new memory, and the new knowledge, and suddenly you too
believe its your fault. And the guilty party?? Well as thats now you,
you punish you! And so it goes on.

Councilors know this. Thats why they orientate their sessions around
you making your own answers to your own questions and thoughts. They
reverse the process of self blame by getting you to analyse the
problem, and firstly getting you to deconsruct your invented arguement
for self attribution, and then re-establishing that the blame does have
a focal point, and rediscovering it. Without that focal point the mind
slips back, as it is still wanting to attribute blame. Having found it
again, its a case of learning to hold on to it. With lowered self
esteem and others still not prepared to listen, again the void beckons,
unless you learn to love who you are, and respect yourself and your own
decisions and conclusions, and believe in them!

Fortunately my life has given me that self love. I’m no longer
vulnerable to psychological trauma of that ilk, caused by others, or
self inflicted. I have no self esteem problems, and if people dont like
me, thats their problem, not mine. I live in the knowledge that i am
strong within myself, and i also know that, if i need to, there are
people i can go to, and allow myself to be vulnerable, simply because i
feel safe with them. Just knowing they’re there makes me even stronger.

And so i sit here, and i type, 1 Dad less and a family so disfunctional
they’d win first prize in an "I’m a example of a disfunctional family"
competition (assuming they’d established the date to collect the prize
and communicated it to each other correctly), and i shake my head at
the whole affair. Unlike Dad, i dont want everyone to love each other.
In fact, i dont want anything at all from them. So why do i shake my
head? I do it in sorrow and sympathy, not for me, but for those of the
family which DO want something, be it understanding, communication,
absolution, revenge or all other manner of emotions. Hurt appears to be
the only thing which anyone is getting, and from where i’m sitting it
seems that im in a far better place than any of them, with the possible
exception of Dad, who’s no doubt by now, if he’s where he expected to
go, eyeing up an angels bosoms under the pretense of checking their
name tags. It makes little difference to me if they want to persist,
and continue to get hurt, but to me it just seems senseless.

Hmmm 1.45am n i’m still full of beans! not beans and sausages though. Sudoku calls me thinks!

One thought on “Fun Filled Funeral Festivities

  1. Unknown

    Hmmm…. you\’re right of course! You know what? I\’m sick of this poo. I some how feel I\’m public enermy no.1 again! Wonder how it got to that…. Paul received the call from Andrew and as it lasted seconds not minutes doubt that\’s the cause.I sent H a text Thursday evening asking if she was OK. She in reply sent one back asking if I was. 2 more text each way, neither saying ANYTHING she didn\’t already know. Paul and she had a verbal conversation too that didn\’t go to well…. and from that there is a cold, cold chill of silence. Well they can treat me how they will… there\’s nothing new there. You know what? I don\’t need any of it. I don\’t need them. I don\’t need a funeral. I can make better use of my energies cleaning my loos than troubling over why I have a dysfunctional family and why I always seem to be the "punch bag" when one is needed. I think I\’ll clean the loos and then bake biscuits! We have a holiday to prepare for.


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