"Everyone thinks about you but you’ve seldom thought of anyone other than yourself for whatever reason, so by consequence such thoughts are seldom acknowledged"
This baffles me to the point where i can only assume it is someone who thinks they know me, but doesn’t. As an adult, apart from my sister Su, and my mother, i cant think of anyone in my family who has put themselves out for me, but if it were to be reversed, i would say that only Anne have i failed to go out of my way for. And with Su i think it kinda balances out. Too many times have i seen her in grief and been there when she needed someone. I dont begrudge that, in fact i enjoyed it. I was useful! To hear now that she’s settled makes me happy. Strewth, i like to think i kinda aided and abetted in that situation, albeit as a peripheral, along with a lass with a tash! Actually, i would suggest, that only Su really knows anything about me as a person, and thats a limited amount.
So im curious about how i’ve only thought of myself. I’ve written on my web pages about communication, and i think the only thing these days which can really make me mad is when i cant get across what i want to. It means im failing to communicate properly. This seems to be the case here too. Oddly enough i am usually bottom of the list of who’s important in things. I’ve been guity of not actually looking out for myself more. Thats not to say i regret the way i’ve been, far from it. You see, for anyone reading this, I love the person who i am. I know that my past shapes me, moulds me, but doesnt dictate to me what i should become. Rather, i learn, i evolve. I am becoming.
Tis funny really. I could sit and rattle off lists of times and actions where i’ve put myself last, to look after others, but rather than make a song and dance about it i’ve just done what i’ve thought was right. Thats who i am. People see what they think is there, and for reasons beyond me they dont ask for confirmation. This is why comments such as the quote above arise. There is no communication, and without communication there can be no understanding. I like to think that when i look at others i give them the same consideration i would like them to give me. I don’t attempt to suss out why one person chooses to do something, rather i see that this is what they think is right for them. If i disagree with what they are doing, i ask them about it. I dont recall anyone affording me the same courtesy.
My phone number hasnt changed in 5 years, my email is on my homepage… you have questions.. then ask them. Over these last few weeks i’ve tried to chat to Iain across in NZ as i know it must be hard for him out there, i can relate because of when Jack was sick in Oz. Hamish and I also communicated with, but can do without the grief that speaking to him entails, although i fear he’s going to be a mess at the end. Anne must be feeling it too. Andrew and Su i have no knowledge of, although i dont doubt that if Su moved up here to be close to mum… and now mums remarried dad… that = awkward situation. Either way with everyone, theres not much i can say except that my thoughts have been floating around the bunch of them. Oddly enough no-ones bothered to ask me how I feel, so either they’re all reading this blog, they’ve thought it and have stayed quiet, or its not crossed their minds.