Apathetic Ali

Apparently my father is ill, and was in hospital yesterday. Such is my dislike of him and mother the only reaction that seemed to pass thru my mind was that i hope mother is suffering too. Little things floated about in my head, saying that i could have said in a church if he dies…. "An example of how little people realy knew my father is that we nearly never had anyone on the door of the church today cos dad never used to like to see people greeting"… an in joke with the family as the majority of people wont know that "greeting" means "to cry".

I know i shouldnt feel like this according to how we are supposed to react and love our family, but frankly it would be a farce for me to be upset. I despise both mother and father, vehemently, and i am not going to compromise my own intergrity by pretending to be upset at his ailing health. I have not a single happy memory of him as a child, only beatings and abuse, and as an adult i can only see the mess he has become. I pity him, but thats as good as it gets. Were i to have a chance to have a moment alone with him, i’d enter the room, then walk away, just as he did when i was on the street in Crewe, homeless and hungry.

To care about someone, i need a reason. I need to see something within that person that appeals to me. Not some bioloigical claptrap about he’s family. I have family all over, and it wouldnt affect me if i never saw or heard from them again, cept for i would probably be less susceptable to being used.

Having been at Anthonys mums funeral plays on my mind. I saw what a mess he was, saw the after events, and sat with him as his mate. So many things in his head. I’ve sat and wondered how i’ll be. I shed a tear for him that day, we’d spent years as kids at his house, his parents giving him all he needed, and him sharing with me what he had like a brother, especially when we were very young. His and Waynes parents i’d be sad to see go, but my own…? I refuse to care because its expected. I will care because its what i think is right to do. And with them, the only emotion that feels right is undiluted hate. Until something changes, i find it hard to believe i will alter in this. If what ever it is disables him from reaching the toilet, i wonder if he’ll think back, as the smell of his own urine fills his nostrils, and wonder how i felt as a child, living in my own stench rather than taking a beating for coming down the stairs. What goes around comes around, so they say. I wouldnt wish it on him, but were it to be that way, well….. couldnt happen to a nicer guy.

Anyone reading this, feel free to google Alistair Wiseman and read my homepages for more about why i may sound bitter and twisted. lol… im not, i refuse to expend energy on such things, but i will gladly share with the world if asked, my thoughts on anything. Today it ws my dads sickness which just happened to be a topic, tomorrow… could be anything.

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