I know i shouldnt feel like this according to how we are supposed to react and love our family, but frankly it would be a farce for me to be upset. I despise both mother and father, vehemently, and i am not going to compromise my own intergrity by pretending to be upset at his ailing health. I have not a single happy memory of him as a child, only beatings and abuse, and as an adult i can only see the mess he has become. I pity him, but thats as good as it gets. Were i to have a chance to have a moment alone with him, i’d enter the room, then walk away, just as he did when i was on the street in Crewe, homeless and hungry.
To care about someone, i need a reason. I need to see something within that person that appeals to me. Not some bioloigical claptrap about he’s family. I have family all over, and it wouldnt affect me if i never saw or heard from them again, cept for i would probably be less susceptable to being used.
Having been at Anthonys mums funeral plays on my mind. I saw what a mess he was, saw the after events, and sat with him as his mate. So many things in his head. I’ve sat and wondered how i’ll be. I shed a tear for him that day, we’d spent years as kids at his house, his parents giving him all he needed, and him sharing with me what he had like a brother, especially when we were very young. His and Waynes parents i’d be sad to see go, but my own…? I refuse to care because its expected. I will care because its what i think is right to do. And with them, the only emotion that feels right is undiluted hate. Until something changes, i find it hard to believe i will alter in this. If what ever it is disables him from reaching the toilet, i wonder if he’ll think back, as the smell of his own urine fills his nostrils, and wonder how i felt as a child, living in my own stench rather than taking a beating for coming down the stairs. What goes around comes around, so they say. I wouldnt wish it on him, but were it to be that way, well….. couldnt happen to a nicer guy.
Anyone reading this, feel free to google Alistair Wiseman and read my homepages for more about why i may sound bitter and twisted. lol… im not, i refuse to expend energy on such things, but i will gladly share with the world if asked, my thoughts on anything. Today it ws my dads sickness which just happened to be a topic, tomorrow… could be anything.